A Road to Self discovery

The most important question we are faced with in life is simply, “Who am I?”

We are told to figure ourselves out – our abilities, strengths and weaknesses, love languages, the type of parent we want to be. It never stops, and the world is ever-changing.

As a kid, you are asked to name your favorite animal, favorite color, and what you want to be when you grow up. You're already faced with so many questions around who you are. I wouldn't be surprised if 99% of people end up becoming something other than they were hoping for back in kindergarten.

At the age of five I told my mom I wanted to be a veterinarian, to which she responded, “So you want to stick your finger up a dog's asshole?”. With her shining the light, or rather darkness, my dream was now crushed. She has always kept me grounded.

In the search for myself in my teenage years, the biggest influence must have been the Christian church. I sat through sermons one Sunday after the next, told to figure out who I am by finding myself through the scripture. The Bible says, “the heart is deceitful”, that you should rather “use the Bible as a mirror” because you are “made in God's image”. I defined myself as a Christian, and I was always trying to be a better one – to fit in with this perfect picture they created for us. My biggest motivation was actually fear, as the punishment for non-believers is to burn in hell for all eternity.

Any feelings I had about sex had to be suppressed until marriage. Questions over unfairness in the world were apparently not to be understood, and I always felt I had to dumb myself down and 'just have faith like a child”.

I was fortunate enough to marry an incredibly intelligent man, before I even truly knew myself. This has been both truly challenging and rewarding. He held up a mirror and wanted me to be proud of the person I see. He was challenging me and my religion to make sure I was proud of everything I stood for.

I started questioning my beliefs, I did my own research about the universe we live in, and asked my parents the questions that have always been on my heart. All of a sudden, the one thing that defined me my whole life, I no longer believed in. I had to rebuild myself from the ground up and decide why I stood for certain things, and which beliefs to let go of.

I promised my parents I would not stop searching for truth, and I've been reading up on Hinduism and Buddhism among other things – to understand why religion exists. I still believe some religious teachings can be beneficial in our lives. They can be appreciated for the lessons they are, but should not be the deciders in life and death, and definitely not define any person as it did me.

Buddhists believe that self discovery happens through meditation and complete detachment from the world we live in, but they're also driven by fear – in the form of reincarnation.

For the Hindu religion, self-realization means knowledge of the true self beyond both delusion and identification with material phenomena. Self-realization is the object of human endeavor, but self-realization in this context means oneness with God and not your abilities. Hindus believe the ego creates the feeling of separation and individuality, or the idea of being distinct and different from others. Thus, individuality is not to be had and finding your true nature is finding God within you.

All of these learnings carry wisdom and truth, and just like Jack and the bean stalk, they can teach us something.

The fact that I was searching for myself through a higher spirit meant it was always an outward search. I was looking at people, figuring out which characteristics I liked and disliked, and I then tried to become this person I thought I needed to be.

When the search is outward, the struggles are so much stronger internally.

I have come to the realisation that we should not pick and choose from the world who we are. True authenticity comes from within.

Ask yourself questions - how do you portray yourself, what are the benefits and what is the cost, and how much different would it look if you had to portray your true self? That's where the Hindu and Buddhist belief gets things right – you should spend time with yourself and find what comes organically to you as a person, without any influences.

We are all animals, and the sooner we let go of the immense anxiety and social pressure, we can allow ourselves to find our true nature. The moment we start embracing our true nature, and learn to be proud of all our flaws and strengths, we will be less vulnerable to the influences of the outside world. Everything we need is already within us.